Say What?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Isn’t Your Face Red.”

I haven’t been overly red faced embarrassed for a few years now but here are a couple of cringe worthy moments:

I’m going to back peddle by a few years here and to my second visit to Upton Jazz Festival, when Theakston’s Old Peculiar was being served at the beer tent, I was still dating Philippa, the weekend was undisturbed by rain and the world cup was on. I went to see this band as it was the first band on and about the only one playing at 10am and they did some really good big band charts, including a lot Basie and Miller and they had three singers, about fifteen I think. They did a few numbers over the gig and at the end they got themselves dressed in full Andrews Sisters military uniforms to sing Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree which they did very well, they had very good voices for their ages and I thought I’d help boost their confidence by telling them this, however I didn’t exactly choose the best of terminology in my description. In short I had a moment where you stare resolutely at the floor and want it to open up and eat you whole, I went up to one of the girls and by a really bad stroke of luck she was the most, let’s say “developed”. With a cheerful smile upon my countenance I informed the girls that “you have a tremendous set of lungs on you”…. whoops, as you may imagine this resulted in a few nervous exchanges of glance within the trio. Realising the implication I most of given I quickly attempted to salvage the situation by adding “I mean your incredibly well developed for your ages.” Cue me slapping myself on the head and saying “no I meant… er.. I’ll get my coat…”, luckily as I left the girls started to giggle and said thank you. I assume they twigged what I meant and didn’t think I was some dirty jazz man ogling their chests.

Another time was during the Easter Holidays at the Kyn. This would have been just under a year after we’d opened and I had befriended a few regulars and I was having an after work drink and I was talking with two of our lovely regular young ladies about various nonsense including Game of Thrones and the annoyance of trains. We started talking about work at the pub when one of the girls who shall remain nameless interrupted the flow of conversation with “Nick don’t you have a massive willy?” As you can imagine I choked on my beer and responded with some rather garbled responses. She just smiled as if to say “hi you’re on candid camera.” Quite what prompted this query I do not know I imagine it is her “sudden turn left” question just to change the status quo.

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